Wednesday, 2 January 2008

There is a light and it never goes out. Or maybe it does.

I heard the body truck on New Year's Day, and it made me feel sad that someone had died on New Year's Day, or maybe even on New Year's Eve. But then I thought how people die all the time, and why should one day be any sadder than another. They're still dead. And I guess the sadness is not about them, because they obviously aren't in their bodies anymore, so they're either off somewhere else, or they're just gone, and they can't really "feel" sad anymore either way. But for the people who love them, it must be really sad, because, as well as losing them forever, on top of that, they won't be able to "celebrate" the usual celebrations without feeling unbelievably sad for the first few years, then wistfully sad for the the next few, and then guilty for a few more after that, when they smile on that day, or get a bit happy about something. But by then, it should be okay, but will hit them unexpectedly every now and then and floor them quite badly.

And it made me wonder if the person who died was happy. Happy that they made it to the next year - just. Hooray! But also happy with the life they lived. And then it made me think about if it was me that was dead, would I be happy? Obviously not about being dead, because I would be quite gutted about not being alive, although I did one of those quiz things people do on you and you say shapes and feelings and animals and words, and when I did my one, for Death, or "my feelings on Death", I saw it as a door and wrote the word "freedom". So deep down I don't think I'm too afraid of dying - just pain, really. No pain, thanks. But if I had no choice, and my time was up right now, would I be okay with what I'd done with my life so far? And a lot of the answer is "yes". But there is quite a bit of "no" in there, too. Because I have plans. Some are big, some are tiny, lots are silly and only mean something to me. But I would be sad if I died and hadn't done at least some of these other things. So I think I should get a move on, because you never know.

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