Wednesday, 7 May 2008

The Great Bourbon Cream Disaster of 2008

Paul came over. He brought a packet of Bourbon Creams. As a household, we are a little obsessed by Bourbon Creams. He was acting only in our best interests. It was a really nice thing to do. People so rarely bring gifts when visiting nowadays. Whether he brought the Bourbons as a means of being more quickly accepted as “one of us”, or whether he brought them purely out of a selfless urge to please is not up for debate. The reason behind the Bourbon gift is not important. Only the fact of the gift matters. He brought the Bourbons into our home for us to enjoy. What a lovely man.

But when it comes to Bourbon Creams, there is a definite hierarchy, with Asda’s basic Bourbons vying for first place with Morrisons own yellow-and-white packaged offerings, and all others falling elsewhere on the ladder of Bourbon Greatness. Right at the bottom, under tumble-dryer lint and dry cream crackers, come Londis Bourbons. They are not even proper Bourbons. They are from the school of “Custard Cream-shaped Bourbons”, which some biscuit-makers believe is acceptable. These biscuit-makers are wrong. The true Bourbon is a rectangular affair, not a squat, pudgy “pretend” rectangle. It was Bourbons of the Londis variety that Paul innocently brought into our house.

Even from a glimpse of the packaging, we could all tell what he had done. None of us wanted to make eye contact, all of us hoping he had just got a bit hungry on the journey over here, and had absent-mindedly picked up the closest packet of biscuits to hand and bought them to eat on his way home. Glances shot around the room, willing him not to say the words he said anyway: I know you all like Bourbons, so I brought you a packet!

At this, we had to smile and say Thank You. We forced ourselves to focus on the gesture, not the faux pas. You could hear a pin drop. As a vegan, I was excused from the obligatory eat-a-Bourbon-gratefully scenario that followed. They are one of only two brands of Bourbons I’ve found that manage to be not vegan. I was thankful of my vegan-ness. Everybody else had to chomp away “happily” on the gift Bourbons.

It was after a small bout of this chomping that Paul realised the Bourbons he had brought were, in fact, quite horrible. He was the first to say it, which was a great relief to everyone else. They pulled hankies from pockets and spat Bourbon mush into them almost immediately. And then we laughed. And Paul apologised. And we forgave him. And we all laughed some more.

And then we sang this song:

Paul came over.
Paul is a nice guy.
But he brought the wrong Bourbons.
And it made us cry.

Paul came over.
He was wearing a vest.
He didn’t mean to bring bad Bourbons.
He was trying his best.

(Nobody actually cried, and Paul wasn’t wearing a vest.)


emily josephine mcphillips said...

you should make a sign for your door, like one of those scary 'beware of the dog' signs, but your sign should show one of those bourbon creams you don't like with a big red cross going through it - i think that could be most effective.

emma said...

That's an excellent idea. I will get busy with photoshop and then hopefully further 'disasters' will be abated.

Jenn said...

Bourbons are disgusting. Sorry.

Did you know pink wafer biscuits are also vegan?


sally said...

I have never understood why bourbon biscuits are pronounced bor-bon but bourbon the drink is bur-bun.

And I am sorry to say I'm not much of a fan, either. I like Oreo biscuits though. They're a bit like eating charcoal.

And pink wafers are just great.

emma said...

Jenn, you are wrong about Bourbons. You have obviously been eating the wrong kind.

Sally, I remember eating Oreos, and yes, I did think "these taste like burnt Bourbons". How strange.

Pink wafers are okay, but can be a bit like eating sawdust. Sweet, pink sawdust, but sawdust all the same. They 'will do' in an emergency, though.

Jenn said...

In my house we don't say 'vegan'. We say 'Kevin'. That's Rhyming Slang for Vegan, if you remember we're talking about Kevin Keegan.


Jenn's Friend, leaning over pot of food and sniffing: 'hmm, is this kevin?'
Jenn: 'it's kevin. take some now before I put the butter in.'
Jenn's Friend: Okay.

See how cool we were? We know where it's at.

The only biscuits I like are hob-nobs, and they aren't kevin at all.

emma said...

Oh yes they are! Hob Nobs are Kevin! Well the plain ones are. If you are talking about the ones covered in lashings of chocolate, then yes, you are right. The dark chocolate ones were also 'Kevin', but they 'discontinued' them. Biff actually phoned up McVities to find out what had happened to them, and a very nice lady told him they are going to be releasing "Plain Chocolate Hob Nobs" at some point in the future. Is this too much information?